New Year, Old Feelings

I'll be honest. I have always loved the holidays, but lately this time of year brings a lot of heartache to me. This time last year felt like a nightmare playing in my head over and over again. I had hoped this year would be different. Unfortunately it's not. Two years ago yesterday was the last time I saw my father before Heavenly Father called him home. Last year I wrote Dad a letter to help me release my confined emotions.


Dear Papa,
It's amazing to think that a year ago was last time we would see you in this life. When we left your house that afternoon of the 1st, we had no idea that you would pass on 11 days later. Sometimes I wonder how much tighter I could have hugged you, or how much longer we could have stayed. But obviously we couldn't know or we would have stayed and hugged forever.

This season has brought back a lot of memories of last year. Some good, some heartbreaking. I try to tell myself the heartbreaking emotions are good. They prove to me I know my dad was an awesome man, and that he meant great deal to me. When leaving this life, his absence would leave a void in our hearts until we meet again. Just the simple snowflakes falling on one another reminded me of home. Home for me is not just a house in Smoot, but the place where my dad is. Dad is the feeling of the fire radiating from the stove, and hearing the crackling of the burning wood. Dad is the smell of the snow clothes toasting with the snowmobile fumes. Dad is the sound of the snowblower dusting the yard with snow. Dad is the feeling of snuggles on the couch with the TV broadcasting football. This year I missed out, but the feelings linger when I see the snow fall. It breaks my heart to know that I will never set foot in that home again and feel you in that manner. I hope my memories can be stronger and make themselves last in my heart; That is where my home is now.

I am feeling this way yet again this year with a few more and different emotions. Many times I have felt anger with God for taking him away. I feel so robbed on so many levels. What hurts me the most is that I will never get to see the look on his face when he sees my first child. I won't see him wrap her/him up in his arms and share that love that he has to offer. How could he deny someone that great gift?

But I can't stay angry. I know there is a greater plan and Heavenly Father knows what is best. I have to have faith in that. He knows what we can handle and I need to show strength in time of weakness. Perhaps I needed this trial in my life to truly experience and feel the blessings of the temple and understand the importance of raising a family in righteousness. I cannot deny the feelings and the spirit I have felt each time I have visited the House of the Lord. It is so incredibly hard to deal with his passing, but I know he is looking after me and that I am gaining a stronger testimony and a life experience. Sometimes we have to look deep for blessings, but when we find them, they are worth it.

Sometimes things don't work out like we plan, but I do believe things happen for a reason. I am so grateful that even thought things didn't work out between my parents here in this life, that they were worthy to go to the temple so that Jeremiah, Bryan, and I could be born into the covenant. That someday we will be together again.